My Epiphany in the Dentist's Chair

Two weeks ago I went to the dentist for my routine x-rays and cleaning. I wasn't looking forward to it at all, but it turned out to be a day I will never forget. Let me explain.

My dental hygienist is a fun, chatty girl, so we were enjoying the awkward my-hand-is-in-your-mouth-but-I-want-you-to-answer-my-questions small talk. She asked what I do and I responded that I stay at home with my one-year-old son and that I love it. I said it like I meant it. That was the whole thing. That was my epiphany. I didn't realize at the time how important that moment was. The more I reflect on it, the more special it becomes.

We have to go back a few years to fully explain the depth of this. I have known my whole life that I wanted to stay at home with my kids. I have always known that I wanted to have lots of kids. I used to have these visions of myself in the future, surrounded by kids, laughing, singing, loving them to bits. It seemed like staying at home with my children would complete my life like nothing else could. I couldn't wait to get married and have those kids and build that home that I always envisioned. Then I actually became a mom and I realized that this gig is a whole lot harder than I ever thought it would be.

It's not that I ever regretted becoming a mom. I love Tommy with all my heart and I wouldn't trade him for anything. It was just a lot harder than I thought it would be. I was exhausted and stressed all the time and I kind of lost myself somewhere. I wasn't ever really happy, but I never really felt sad. I just kind of survived the days and tried to take care of my baby and my home and my husband the best that I could. Ever since Tommy was born I have felt like I should be happier than I was, but I didn't know what to do to get there.

Whenever anyone asked if I stayed home I always felt like I needed to justify it or say something cool about myself so that people would know I was more than just a mom. "Yeah, I stay home now, but I was pursuing a PhD before the baby," or, "I stay home because I don't want my son to be raised in daycare," were frequent answers to that question. I felt pretty empty whenever I gave those lame responses.

So when I responded to the hygienist with a smile on my face and sincerity in my voice I knew this was something big. What changed? Even now I can't really pinpoint it, but I have a few ideas. I share these ideas not to boast or brag, but rather in an effort to help other moms who find themselves in the same situation I have struggled with for almost two years now.

• At the beginning of the year I joined a babysitting co-op. It is so genius and I feel so grateful to have stumbled upon it. Basically, I leave Tommy with two moms and a group of about eight kids one day every week for three hours. All the moms rotate work days so it ends up that I only have to work one day per month. That means four free mornings each month to do my errands, sans Tommy. I can't even begin to describe how much of a difference this has made in my life. Errands that I used to stress about and spread throughout the week get done in one morning. Tommy and I have the rest of the week to do whatever we want together: go to the park, paint, read, go to the zoo. It has done wonders for our relationship and for my stress levels. And he loves going because they have fun toys!
  
• I started waking up early a couple of mornings each week to exercise. (Thanks, Liz!) I have always been a pretty consistent exerciser, but in the past I felt a little guilty lugging Tommy to the gym several times each week. He has fun at the Kid's Care, but I just felt bad leaving him there so often. Then I would get home and shower and get ready for the day so that by lunch I had hardly spent any quality time with the little guy. I can't tell you how good it feels now to exercise and shower before he even wakes up. It leaves me feeling prepared and excited to see Tommy and spend the whole morning with him.
• Somewhere along the way I learned to let things go a little more. For those of you who know me well, you know I can be a bit perfectionist at times. I like my house clean and my garage organized and my papers filed. I am trying not to stress over having everything 'just so' all the time.
• I allow (and even force) myself to takes frequent naps while Tommy sleeps. I used to feel guilty about taking naps, but now I just enjoy it. I work hard from the moment I wake up to the moment my head hits the pillow at night, so I deserve a little break, right? :)
  
• I've started learning things again. Maybe that sounds weird, but it's true. For the first year or so after Tommy was born I was so much in survival mode that I didn't read books or anything of the sort. I was very stagnant intellectually, which made me feel awful. Now I read every night and I listen to NPR podcasts during the day while I do house work or exercise. It feels amazing to be learning new things again, plus I have something interesting to talk about over dinner.
  

I think the biggest change is that I feel like Tommy and I are spending a lot more quality time having fun together, whereas in the past I often felt like I was trying to get things done and live my life in spite of him. Now that I have spilled my guts I hope that it helps someone out there. Overall, I feel happy again, the kind of happy I always imagined myself feeling as a stay-at-home mom. I love being a mom and I love being with Tommy. I'm just glad I can honestly say that now.